"Transmissions from Jordan" by Sutton Amthor
January 11, 2020, Diary Entry
It’s hard to imagine a start to my study abroad more nightmarish than this day has been. It’s left me feeling fragile, emotionally drained, and utterly, utterly alone.
January 11, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update on Jesus’s Microbes
(At least) one more reply tonight because I'm not yet tired enough to sleep through the aching in my legs and my heart. That sounded dramatic. It's just very lonely up here in the sky (and very cramped here in economy class). I'm wondering if most of the deep sadness I'm feeling has to do with that. For these nine hours, I'm alone. I don't know anyone else here, and I can't text or call anyone until we land. Even these emails won't really go out to you until then. Have I ever spent nine full hours alone in my life? Have I ever not had the means to contact people who love me for so long?
January 12, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: My translation project that you might enjoy
I should probably wrap up this email soon. I really appreciated your last email. I keep reading over it whenever I start feeling really sad, and it makes me feel better for a little while, at least. I am starting to feel better though. I don't know if that's the distraction of this email or just the 2 hours that have passed since I started writing. They served dinner(??) a little while ago, and this is the first time I've experienced "airline food.” I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised. I was not. Anyways, this will hopefully send when I connect to the airport WiFi in London. When that happens, it'll be around 2 or 3am where you are. On a Saturday night, you'll probably still be awake, so I'll add this: Go to sleep!
January 12, 2020, WhatsApp Message to my dad
They assigned me a middle seat...but...the aisle seat next to me was empty
January 14, 2020, Diary Entry
So we’ve finished day 2 of Orientation, and IDK. Maybe I could feel at home here. I felt really happy today, while we walked around the Citadel.
January 14, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update: Everything is Actually Fine, I just get Dramatic Sometimes
This won't get to you until tomorrow morning because there isn't WiFi at my homestay, but I wanted to let you know that I'm doing okay. I haven't read over the emails I sent from the plane, but I know I was feeling //really// sad when I wrote them, so I'm sorry if they caused you undue concern. I'm still a little homesick, very jet-lagged, and overwhelmed by the amount of things there are to learn, but now that I've met my host family and moved into my room, I feel //so// much better.
January 15, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad” Updates for Facebook Page?
Kul shee tamaam so far. I think we're all feeling a little displaced and homesick, but I think that will get better as we explore the city more.
January 15, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.
I wish we could have watched the debate together :(
I miss you!!
January 16, 2020, WhatsApp Message to Alex G.
It’s been VERY overwhelming so far, but we finally finished orientation and classes start Sunday, so I’ll be able to get into a routine soon.
January 16, 2020, Email to Qussay A., Re: Jordan Update!
Just thought I'd give you an update on how things are going here in Jordan. I'm doing better than I expected, honestly. Getting here was a disaster, but now that things are settling down, I'm starting to feel more comfortable. I still get homesick from time to time, especially in the mornings, but it's nothing unmanageable. I'm looking forward to classes starting so I can get into a routine.
Tomorrow, Jess and I are planning to look for a gym/places to study near the AMIDEAST center. On Saturday, I have plans to go rock climbing, which I'm really excited about.
January 17, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update: Everything is Actually Fine, I just get Dramatic Sometimes
Finally, there's the weird feeling that I finally put words to during the drive home tonight: I'm worried about the person I will be when this is over. (I realized this while thinking, with some displeasure, that in four months I probably won't automatically put on my seat belt anymore whenever I get in a car.) I feel like this is such a silly thing to worry about. ("Oh no! I'm going to grow as a person!") But the fear is definitely there, whenever I think about going home and the long four months between then and now. It's scary that I don't recognize the person I will be, that I can't even begin to think what I'll be like. It's scary that I can undeniably say I will be different than I am now.
January 18, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad” Updates for Facebook Page
Okay, I made a post! You may want to take a look at it, as I'm not 100% sure that the Arabic is correct, but I did my best. :)
January 19, 2020, Email to Alex N., Re: Greetings from Amman :)
The language barrier itself has been a lot more difficult to deal with than I expected. I'm really shy about speaking Arabic in front of people, I never have any idea what people are saying to me when they try to ask me questions in Arabic. Also, everyone in Jordan does not speak English. I don't know why so many people told me that everyone speaks English here.
January 20, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Fwd: Biomineralization and Successive Regeneration of Engineered Living Building Materials
I love this.
January 18, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update: Everything is Actually Fine, I just get Dramatic Sometimes
There is a bit of profundity in everything, isn't there?
January 21, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update: Everything is Actually Fine, I just get Dramatic Sometimes
What did I come here for, really, but to sit in Jordanian coffee shops making endless flashcards? Plus, I've found two really nice ones so far: Seven Pennies, which is near the gym I joined and has a neat thing where for every dinar you spend, you get a "penny" that you can give to one of six charities; and Coffee Lab, which is in a medical district and is science-themed.
January 24, 2020, Email to Krista D. and David M., Re: “Fun” Orientation Leader News
I owe you both emails about Jordan and how exciting and wonderful everything is, but I'm emailing you now because of a very distressing email I just got.
January 26, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: My translation project that you might enjoy
It's very interesting to me that you put The Last Jedi above Force Awakens in your list. For me, Force Awakens is a stronger overall movie, even though The Last Jedi has stronger individual scenes.
January 26, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update on Jesus’s Microbes
Right now, I'm sitting in a coffee shop with two of my classmates, trying to figure out a solution to unemployment. This is our Arabic homework???
January 27, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Update on Jesus’s Microbes
I know this is normal. I know I'll get through it. But it's just...hard. It's hard.
January 28, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad Updates for Facebook Page
I just made another post using Jess and Alasia's photos of some of the cool street art we've seen here. I *was* going to make a post about my trip to Crepeaholic today, but then the guy working there *proposed* to me, which made the photos I took feel a biiiiiit uncomfortable.
January 28, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Religious development and important rocks
Okay, first of all, I have to talk about how cool Tarrin is.
January 29, 2020, WhatsApp Message to Theo P.
I’ve been here for about 2.5 weeks now and yesterday I got proposed to!
January 30, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: The Kiwi fantasy masterpiece needs to be published in America immediately
P.S. I think I'm going on a date with the proposal guy next week?
February 2, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Grand Unified Thread, End January 2020
I'm probably not going to finish this email until later tonight or tomorrow because I have to ~do homework~ and ~make flashcards~, but the hike yesterday put me in a great mood, and I'm literally sitting in this cafe humming a nonsense song to myself about how happy I am. Study abroad is a roller coaster, but sometimes it's a really fun roller coaster.
February 2, 2020, Discord Message to Glory M.
I can at least have fun, right?
Having fun isn’t a terrible idea
February 4, 2020, Discord Message to Glory M.
I wish you were awake
It’s been a wild morning for me
February 5, 2020, Email to Rima S., Re: Letter of Recommendation
I hope all is well with you at Kenyon. Studying abroad has been really wonderful so far.
February 5, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Grand Unified Thread, End January 2020
It's a weird feeling, knowing that you will miss a place that you go to because it reminds you of a place that you miss.
February 8, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Darwin Discovery Day 2020
Lovely! Where was this? (The table looks nice, but the lack of light in the background makes it look somewhat ominous.)
February 8, 2020, Email to Alex N., Re: Greetings from Amman :)
The good news is that the weather's a lot nicer here than in Gambier, so "Hat Season" isn't hitting me quite as hard.
February 8, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad” Updates for Facebook Page?
Update on the marriage proposal: I think I have a boyfriend now???
Update on life here: Arabic is hard, and I'm tired of no one understanding me, ever. If I weren't so deep into this hole, I might just give up.
February 10, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.'
Good news: Everyone in Jordan also loves the fish shirt
February 11, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Grand Unified Thread, End January 2020
Even with Abdullah (who I guess is my boyfriend now???), who doesn't speak much English at all, I've mostly been speaking to him in English and relying on Google Translate, rather than actually trying to rely on my own Arabic.
February 12, 2020, Email to Andrea L., Re: Molly R. Hatcher Prize Submission
Please find my submission for the WGS Molly R. Hatcher Prize, along with my cover letter, attached.
February 12, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Grand Unified Thread, End January 2020
No matter what happens, though, it's exceedingly likely that I'll have about 800 Abdullah stories before I come back home, and I think that's a win.
February 15, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.
Hannah we all know that I have terrible taste in men.
February 17, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad” Updates for Facebook Page?
I made another post because I took Betül, Alasia, and Jess to Crepeaholic yesterday, both to get waffles and to introduce them to Abdullah (my boyfriend). They all thought he was really nice, which I think is a good sign. Hanging out with him will definitely be great for my Arabic, which is good because the classes here are so exhausting that I don't even want to think about studying Arabic most of the time. It's also good because I get so many delicious waffles for free!
February 18, 2020, Email to Qussay A., Re: Summer Study Abroad
Paris sounds so fun!! I'm glad you got a bit of a vacation. (Although I personally think that, while you were on this side of the ocean, you should've stopped by Jordan to see us.)
February 20, 2020, Diary Entry
I’ve never hugged someone as dearly as I did right then.
February 22, 2020, Email to Kenyon College Ballroom Dance Club, Re: Notre Dame Competition!!
Wait were we mentioned in the Collegiate?
February 22, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Phrossy
I'm so sorry that you're losing her. It's a little strange, isn't it, how we choose this kind of pain for ourselves? We make friends with these creatures we are destined to outlive, and we can't help but keep doing it. Because it is worth it, always.
February 22, 2020, Email to Alex N., Re: Summer Arabic Codicology Course in Madrid
Thanks for sending this! I might apply, although they say they prefer students to have a Master's degree, so it might be a bit aspirational.
February 26, 2020, Diary Entry
It’s rough out here, fellas.
February 29, 2020, Diary Entry
Dear Heavenly Father,
This situation is crazy. Just entirely bonkers.
And maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s what you intended too.
God, I’m leaving this one to you. I am going to be the truest version of myself I possibly can.
March 2, 2020, Diary Entry
Traveling alone is wonderful. It is what all the blogs say it is. But it is also...exhausting. And..yes. You learn that you can rely on strangers when it’s really important. You learn that there are lots and lots of lovely people in the world. And you learn that you are smarter and more powerful than you think. You come to realize who you really are, unfiltered by interactions with your friends.
March 3, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Fwd:
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
March 4, 2020, Diary Entry
It makes me miss my home. My home in Amman, my home in America. Places that make sense.
March 4, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.
Hannah I will be asleep by the time it’s 2:00 there
That’s 9pm
March 6, 2020, Email to Jeanne G., Re: Can I do work??
I want hours because it is expensive out here and my bank account is suffering. Am I allowed to do writing center work even though I'm abroad?
March 7, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
I promise everything is fine, I'm just feeling anxious tonight.
March 8, 2020, Discord Message to Bryson M.
Are you at some kind of science fiction museum??
March 9, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
I don't want to break up with him. Apparently, I just want to stress about our relationship. Cool.
March 10, 2020, Discord Message to Bryson M.
My heart’s gonna break and it’s my own fault
March 10, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
Do you have time to do a Skype call sometime?
March 10, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
I know it's like 3am there, but I'm feeling so stressed and I can't focus on anything. I'm crying in a coffee shop, and I don't know what to do.
March 10, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
Hopefully this was a math mishap for you (it would kill me to have missed you, as it just turned 5:00 here), but I think 12:15 there is 6:15 here. You are in Michigan, right?
March 10, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
It's over. It went so much worse than I ever imagined it could. But it is over.
March 10, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
It apparently came entirely unexpected to him. I spent way too long listening to him try to negotiate with me, constantly having to remind myself that breaking up is what's best for both of us. He cried a lot and all I wanted to do was hug him and make him feel better.
March 10, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.
I just broke up with Abdullah and I’m not okay
Yeah I know everyone is panicking about Corona
March 11, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
I miss him so much. I broke his heart, and I'll never see him again. I don't know if he is okay. I don't know if he has anyone to help him through this. I know I have to live my life for me, but how could I do this to him?
March 11, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Little note because I appreciate you
I don’t know what I’m doing, Zack.
March 11, 2020, Email to Mjriam A., Re: CBL Placement Updates
Good news! I understand everything now. Kind of.
March 12, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.
So...is it actually like the apocalypse in America?
March 13, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad” Updates for Facebook Page?
Hopefully we actually get to finish the semester here. Kenyon told us that they'll let us stay as long as AMIDEAST says we can, and I don't really expect that AMIDEAST is going to make that call unless the pandemic gets dramatically worse in Jordan specifically very suddenly. On the other hand, Kenyon did recall everyone studying abroad in Europe, and five students from our program got recalled by their schools in the past couple of days. So we just have to wait and see.
March 13, 2020, Discord Message to Glory M.
We aren’t allowed to travel outside of the country on weekend trips anymore, but we aren’t being recalled <yet>
March 14, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Checking
It's poetic, really. The turmoil in my personal life reflects the turmoil in the world.
March 14, 2020, Facebook Message to Hannah A.
Will I get recalled?
Looking more likely every day.
March 14, 2020, Discord Message to Logan N.
So...I think I’m coming home early
Okay maybe not yet
March 15, 2020, Email to Myrna A., Re: Is it okay to stay?
With the airports closing, my parents have gotten very nervous about the idea of the lockdown extending indefinitely and me getting trapped here. They want me to go home, but I really want to stay, so I'm reaching out to you for your thoughts. Since you haven't told us all to leave yet, I figured you think it's safe to stay.
March 15, 2020, Email to Myrna A., Re: Is it okay to stay?
Myrna, I am scared. I don't want to leave before I have to, but I'm scared. My parents keep asking me what's happening, but I don't have anything to tell them. The lack of emails from you about what's happening is worrying.
I know you're probably trying to figure it all out, but is there anything you can tell me right now?
March 15, 2020, Discord Message to Bryson M.
Rip, but love is a scam
(Can you tell I just went through a breakup?)
March 15, 2020, Discord Message to Bryson M.
No, I’m fine
Mainly because I haven’t had time to think about it because of Corona and all of my classmates getting sent back to the US
March 16, 2020, Email to Jeanne G., Re: writing center website updated and “student resource page” information
I'm doing good, if a little anxious! Jordan is closing its borders tomorrow, but I'm still here. The entire country is on lockdown, and I'm not really allowed to leave the house. 70 percent of the students in my program left over the weekend, and everyone keeps talking about "unprecedented" situations. So it's all a bit nervy, but everything should be okay.
March 16, 2020, Email to Jeanne G., Re: writing center website updated and “student resource page” information
Don't worry, I'm not in the position of desperately trying to escape and not being able to. I made the choice to stay, and I'm just hoping that things don't get much crazier. (Things are //much// calmer here than they seem to be in the US, so I really don't think there's anything to worry about.
March 16, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Fwd: If you’re not scared, you’re not paying attention
I got really anxious for a moment, until I read it and realized that everything is actually fine.
It is an anxious time, though. Every day seems to bring a fresh set of horrors. But! Life goes on, doesn't it?
March 16, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Fwd: If you’re not scared, you’re not paying attention
I am definitely not coming home. I made that decision yesterday, with the help of my counselor. The airports are closing tomorrow, so I wouldn't be able to leave even if I wanted to.
Right now, we've got a week off from school while they're figuring out online courses. Next week (hopefully), we'll be online, and the week after that (hopefully), we'll be in class again. Admittedly, the classes will be much much smaller than before (there are only seven of us left!), and that will be really really sad. But we'll deal with those emotions when they come.
March 16, 2020, Discord Message to Bryson M.
Bryson the world. Is ending.
And I didn’t even stock up on chocolate beforehand :/
March 16, 2020, Discord Message to Bryson M.
We are living through an event that //will// be in history textbooks
And I’m like
Eating dates
Drinking tea
March 17, 2020, WhatsApp Message to family group chat
When I get home, let’s Marie Kondo the entire house
March 18, 2020, Email to various writing center staff, Re: Send me your picture so your face can be on the Writing Center website!!
Crazy times we're living through, right? I'm currently studying abroad in Jordan, and I'm not allowed to leave my house. It's fun.
March 18, 2020, Email to Jeanne G. and Alexia A., Re: Website Updates + Draft Navigation Scheme
I'm basically under house arrest now. It's so boring.
March 19, 2020, Email to Dana S., Re: “Abroad” Updates for Facebook Page?
In sum, it's kind of miserable right now.
March 20, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Checking
It's taken me a full year to figure out how to put words to these feelings, but I finally figured it out. All it took was being trapped inside for a week with nothing to do and no one to talk to while the world is brought to its knees by some microbes.
March 21, 2020, WhatsApp Message to Isaac C.
So I like to tell people when they appear in my dreams, especially when their presence is super notable in some way
And last night, I dreamed that I killed you
But I was so upset about it that I eventually woke myself up and then laid awake feeling guilty for like another hour after that
March 22, 2020, Diary Entry
This is such a stupid time to be keeping a record of my life. ‘Dear Diary, today I once again stayed inside all day because if I go outside, I will be arrested.’
I messed up and made it sound interesting. It is NOT interesting.
March 22, 2020, Discord Message to Glory M.
Geez, your mom posted a picture of you guys all doing a puzzle together and it filled me with such a sense of longing
You guys really are just my second family
March 23, 2020, WhatsApp Message to Theo P.
Theo it’s literally only like 9 hours you just have to wake up at a semi-reasonable time.
March 23, 2020, Email to Zachary B., Re: Grand Unified Thread, End January 2020
700 people have now been arrested in Jordan for being outside. My host mom keeps showing me videos of the police chasing people down and dragging them out of their cars, and it's...pretty disturbing. As for me, I haven't been outside since the government tightened the lockdown about a week ago, and I'm going insane. (Actually. I regret not going home when I had the opportunity. I know I would have a deeper kind of regret if I had made that choice, but I'm just not happy where I am.)
March 26, 2020, WhatsApp Message to my dad
Also Mariya just emailed me and said to explain this process to you
Which I assume means, “Please get him to leave me alone”
March 26, 2020, WhatsApp Message to family group chat
I’m on a bus
It’s not a moving bus
But it is a bus
March 27, 2020, Diary Entry
This is the part where we mourn for everything we thought we would do that we didn’t get to do.
We won’t go on a fun tour of Petra, laughing at the boys’ antics. We won’t have a magical night together under the stars in Wadi Rum. We won’t go on an end-of-semester retreat to the Dead Sea. There will be no more hikes, no more bus rides, no more long conversations in the AMIDEAST lounge.
Instead, we got this wild goodbye, the eight of us who stayed through the lockdown. We got the days of anxious planning and reassuring each other that everything would be fine as each of us made our own sets of frantic phone calls.
What have I learned from this experience? Appreciate the time you have. But more than that, appreciate the people you have.They might be out of your life sooner than you think. And while goodbyes are never easy, they are significantly easier when you’ve given attention to the people you care about.
