Disclaimer: This blog post contains topics around anxiety and social anxiety that can be triggering to some.

Music has always been a large part of my life, from my involvement in my college a cappella group to the constant R&B soul music playing through my headphones; music soothes my soul like no other. Music is also one of the biggest tools I use to help cope with my general anxiety and social anxiety, so going abroad called for a few playlists to ease my transition from Syracuse, NY to Amman, Jordan.

I created three empty playlists during the months before my semester started: the first to bring a piece of home with me, the second for my journey to Amman, and the last for my first few weeks in a new land (and a new mindset).

Playlist #1: brb, in a jordanian cafe

This playlist started in May as a compilation of music I imagined myself listening to as I sat in a cafe in Jordan to do my Arabic homework but it quickly evolved into a digital postcard from home. These 38 songs represent the life I live with my family and friends, the memories of late night Insomnia Cookies orders, flat and off-key singing that rang through the walls of my apartment, trips to the department store with my brothers, moments of grief and vulnerability that we grew from, and all of the love and joy that people bring into my life.

I listen to “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Hozier to remember the early mornings on my porch with my college housemates and how absolutely exhausted we were from the week prior. I listen to “Celebration” by The Revivalists and think of my little brothers and I walking to Whole Foods at 8 in the evening to pick up bread for our dad. I listen to “Don’t Throw Out My Legos” by AJR and silently wonder if the world back home is moving on too much without me.

Playlist #2: pack ur passport

On August 30th, 2019, my Royal Jordanian flight from New York, NY to Amman, Jordan was just about to begin boarding after an 8-hour layover. Up until that point, I was feeling good. I had met two girls who were also studying through AMIDEAST and happened to be on my flight. But as soon as we came closer to boarding, my nerves about studying abroad were starting to creep up in my mind and I was tuned into my imagination, I saw flashes of my trip in the form of hypothetical situations and my anxiety began to take over my thoughts.

“Am I going to make any friends?”

“Am I even going to enjoy my time there?”

“Is my lack of Arabic education going to hinder my academic performance? I am an IT major, I can’t do this!”

“I’m sure my friends at Syracuse are glad I’m gone.”

“What happens if my host family or roommate doesn’t like me?”

“Did I make the right choice?”

My thoughts kept racing and overwhelming me until I stood up from the airport seating area and walked towards the windows facing the runway of John F. Kennedy International Airport. I turned on my headphones and queued up “Autopilot” by Quinn XCII and “1000 Nights” by FRENSHIP and as I looked out to the taxiing airplanes and the thousands of flashing lights on the runway, I felt my thoughts quiet slightly, but only slightly. At that moment I knew that my mind was on autopilot and I was being a restless soul but my emotions were valid. My concerns were valid. I took the 7 minutes of queued music I had to acknowledge my feelings in the lyrics of these artists but as the instrumental outro of “1000 Nights” faded out of my headphones, so did the bad thoughts.

Was I still nervous? 100% yes, but I knew that for the next 10 hours I wasn’t going to sit in my terrible thoughts and feelings, I was going to allow myself to seek my discomfort with this trip but only under the condition that I take care of myself.

Playlist #3: sitting in the amman citadel

Listen here: sitting in the amman citadel

I was about 2 hours into my program in Amman when I had my first wave of social anxiety. I am someone who is a bit more on the introverted side and has trouble connecting with people in large group settings; I just tend to get extremely overwhelmed, restless, and uncomfortable.

Our entire AMIDEAST cohort was congregated in the lobby of Queen Alia International Airport after a long day of travel and going through customs; we all felt the exhaustion of each other. The hot and dry wind carried in through the automatic doors as students chit chatted about their journey, hometowns, and universities, and I sat back in my chair unable to talk to anyone. I was frozen with an unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling I knew all too well: was I going to make any friends?

That same night I began to do my research on Arabic music. I listened for the beats to match my fast-paced heart, the melodies to calm my racing brain, and lyrics to scream in the shower when my host family wasn’t home. My journey of diving deep into Arab music spilled into the first few days of our orientation and then I found the sounds of this playlist.

‘sitting in the amman citadel’ combines the electronic influence of “Howeh El Hob” by Adham Nabulsi, the reggae beats of “Mish Misht’a” by Ghazall, and the R&B artistry of “Konna Sghar” by Aziz Maraka to simultaneously drown out the noises of my homesickness, and set my goals for this semester.

I look forward to sharing this playlist with my new friends and adding more amazing music, to use this as the soundtrack of all my adventures, and most importantly, to understand 100% of the lyrics to all of these songs for the rest of the semester. To do this, all I have to do is press play.